(Please note: if you are reading this blog for the first time, you need to start with the post entitled " The reason" which can be found in the 2011 Archive)
I have ceased to exist...and I feel nothing. Auto-pilot. There is no better apt description than that to explain who and what I am. Everything is without thinking, without feeling. Something needs to be done and I will do it. J.J needs help getting out of bed and my covers are thrown back, the lack of sleep instantly forgotten and I am there for him. Arwyn will need help getting ready for her day and once J.J is settled, my attention is immediately transferred to her. At times it is a tug of war between the two. And it will never be a fight of whose needs are greater for both will be taken care of, everything will get done. I move from one to the other, back and forth, back and forth. Auto-pilot.
J.J's needs have increased, his pain has increased and he is vocal in expressing his pain (a natural occurrence). I'll move from room to room attending to his needs, getting his pills, assisting as needed:- mother auto-pilot will also take over as I shield Arwyn from as much of her father's pain as I can.
Thought ceases, muscle memory takes over. To the fridge, take out the margarine and spread for toast, Vegemite for her, marmalade for him. She'll want a drink, don't forget that. He needs water, orange juice, medication - toast down, banana for her, sausage for him. Cats meow for their food, ignore for the moment then feed once Dr Seuss lays on her back in front of my feet looking cute and adorable. Television on, heat pads for J.J's back in microwave. Sit down at computer for three minutes, remove heat pads, apply to his back. He'll moan slightly, I'll look at him to see if it is something I can assist with. Shower, he needs the relief of a shower. Assist with walking, moving to the back room, down the step, into the shower. Remove clothes, run water, check temperature, he's all good now, I can go.
I don't know where I am anymore, I don't know who am I, except I am theirs.
The days continue like this, they become white noise as memories fade of them, for it's the same day after day.
"Lil / Mummy can I have...."
"As you wish".
I know you are doing a great job Liv. I only have a little experience of going through some of this when Mum was dying. It is unrelenting and I hope that you are managing to take care of yourself as well despite all the demands placed upon you. I am thinking of you. Take care.
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