Love you till the end.

If you haven't heard it, this link will take you to The Pogues - Love you till the end


I feel like we are coming to a  fixed point in time.
I feel like we are coming to a fixed point in time which cannot be changed.
I feel like we are coming to a  fixed point in time which cannot be changed once it is played; the thoughts are circular in motion and the only way I am going to get them out is to write them down. And I lament that it isn't going to be written on parchment in black ink that stains my flesh. I lament that it isn't written by candle light in which my eyes strain to see my own words against the backdrop of an old world etched upon the Earth. For our lives seem  like the back story to a tale that only Austen or Bronte could have written. It's painful and you only get to skim the details yet there is so much more to be said, but then the reader moves on with the main story and those back story characters are merely a memory slowly fading into haze.
But I'll remember.


"I just want to see you
When you're all alone
I just want to catch you if I can
I just want to be there
When the morning light explodes
On your face it radiates
I can't escape
I love you 'till the end" 


I love you. We've said it to each other a great deal over the last two years since this chapter of our lives has begun, so I hope that its meaning has not been lost. I love you J.J. I love your smile, your blue eyes - I love your mind. 
I want more though. I want more time to talk with you. To sit across from one and other and stare into each others eyes. Warranted when we did that it was a competition to see who would look away first in order to establish the Alpha dog of the relationship - yet it always made us laugh, even now when we do it when you're lying down in a hospital bed or on the lounge back at home it still sends us laughing.
I have loved laughing with you and at you - the way your eyes crinkle and you snicker at whatever it is that is making you laugh.
My heart is breaking.
My heart is breaking into tiny fragments, exploding outward in slow motion from my chest. It's in trouble and it's because my heart knows it is loosing you. Oh God....it hurts so much and your not even gone yet. Some nights when your not with me, be it from being in hospital or you are just up coping with your illness when you are home, I feel your hand touch mine, your fingers interlace with my own and I'll wake from the dream to realise that you weren't even there. My lips will feel like they have been lightly yet tenderly kissed by you, yet you weren't there - I wondered if that is what is going to happen when you are gone.
Everyday my soul is a little less brighter than it should be - I can't say that it is dying for our daughter is holding it firmly in her grasp - but know that's it's pallor is less brighter every day closer to the final day.
It's so ridiculously stupid when I say that I didn't expect this so soon. I mean we have been going along, doing treatments, always promising to go on that holiday when you were feeling up to it - but you never felt up to it - and now I'm surprised that in a few months you could be gone from my grasp. Now we are talking about ringing the funeral homes, buying the final resting place for your ashes, working out the details that only death can bring...and I'm stupidly surprised by it all.


"I just want to tell you nothing
You don't want to hear
All I want is for you to say
Why don't you just take me
Where I've never been before
I know you want to hear me
Catch my breath
I love you till the end"


I sit here crying, the tears rolling off my cheeks onto my chest and I know it is not doing anything. It doesn't help you and it doesn't help me and I want to be cold, and unfeeling yet every time I try the warmth of your love reminds me how good our time together has been and the tears start anew. I love you. I can't say it enough. I ... love... you.
There are so many things that I wanted to do with you over the years; growing old with you was just one of many - now...,            .... now..... I'm just at a loss for words. Why are we here? Why did this have to happen? We have been married for almost ten years ...ten loving years....and it's not wrong that I want it to go on with you because it's been wonderful. I'm loosing my best friend. I'm loosing apart of me...and there is nothing I can say to make you feel better about the situation. There's nothing I can do and the helplessness that I have is tearing me apart.
I love you.
The song keeps playing in my head and I do not know why. I've been writing all my life but now it's so hard to formulate a cohesive sentence that all I can say is that I love you.


"I just want to be there
When were caught in the rain
I just want to see you laugh not cry
I just want to feel you
When the night puts on its cloak
I'm lost for words don't tell me
All I can say
I love you till the end" - Love you till the EndThe Pogues.